V for Vixen: How to make a fake marriage work

How to make a fake marriage work

We didn't do it like this

I’m starting to worry about my fake husband. We don’t talk nearly as much as we used to, and I’m wondering if the spark has gone out of our sham marriage.

Stop. Hold that thought. Rewind.

First things first: I got "married" in a mass wedding ceremony at the St-Ambroise Montreal Fringe Festival. My groom proposed to me outside the venue I was managing – a broken-down former public pool that the city turned into a theatre – after I informed him about the date it was all supposed to be going down. We’d known each other for all of 20 minutes, and he didn’t bother with formalities like getting down on one knee or even offering me a ring. It was the thought that counted, especially since I’d planted the crazy idea in his head in the first place.

I knew it was meant to be. I mean, where else will you have the chance to get married on a talk show?

Well, when I saw him holding hands with a nun on our wedding night, I should have known he was trouble. The nun said she was getting hitched to the Big Man in the sky and left us two lovebirds alone. We got liquored up and said our wedding vows, which were designed specifically for the event by Fringeleader Jeremy Hechtman, and included such oaths as "I promise to see your show, or give you comps to my show." We kissed like giddy schoolchildren, missing each other’s mouths, and then had a do-over.

We even waited until after marriage to have sex – a total first for both of us dirty sluts. Ah, romance!

Our honeymoon consisted of watching as many of the remaining festival shows as possible, eating nachos, drinking mead and aiming at the title of World’s Most Obnoxious Newlyweds. We even made a list of the horrid things married couples do, so that we could cross them off one by one. Topping the list? Peeing with the door open. Gross!

When it came time for the big Fringe Divorce, we decided to stick together. We refused the Timbits that were being passed around, designed to murder our marriage like the Kool-Aid at Jonestown, but in spite of our best efforts to keep things going, I’m starting to wonder. I mean, what the hell is a fake marriage about, anyway?

If you don’t even know the person you’ve married, and essentially end up running the relationship in reverse by dating after you’ve sealed the deal, does that make you crazy or clever? I’ve been involved in my share of twosomes over the years, and I know that eventually things just get old. People start to take each other for granted, stop worrying so much about impressing each other. Leave their socks on when they make love. At least with this relationship I never quite know what to expect, since there’s no guidebook on How to Make a Fake Marriage Work.

He makes me laugh, though I’d be really worried if he didn’t, seeing as he’s a comedian. But you know how they always say you should marry someone who can make you laugh? I have to wonder if they meant it quite this literally, because I can’t take anything seriously when I’m with him. It’s nothing but silliness and him trying out new material on me. I’m glad to help, but what about my needs? Dammit, man, a girl can’t live on laughs alone!

All in all, I’d have to recommend Fake Marriage to anyone considering the real deal. It’s way less hassle, ten times as fun, and you can still cloyingly call each other Hubby and Wifey afterwards, reprogramming your cellphones to reflect this momentous occasion. So get some Dollar Store rings and a couple of faux flowers, stamp on a plastic cup and go have fun already! In the end, isn’t that what marriage is really all about?

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