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Three Dollar Bill: Pam-demonium!

Pam-demonium!

The boobylicious Pamela Anderson at the Junos
Photo: Bugs Burnett

I love a fabulous rack. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I admit it: I am a boobiesexual.

Tits, bazoombas, bodacious tatas, my world, welcome to it.

And this past weekend in Halifax I was dazzled by the most famous and most fabulous rack on the planet, that of former Canadian Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson, in town hosting the star-studded Juno Awards.

Now, I once slept with a pre-op trannie years ago at Toronto Pride. So, honey, I wouldn’t hesitate one second getting down and dirty with a she-male, as long as she had tits like Pamela Anderson and a dick like Tommy Lee’s!

Then when Pamela made her fab entrance at her very entertaining Juno press conference – on the arms of two RCMP officers, no less – I saw why Pamela has become a drag icon.

I also almost decided never to wear leather pants again (I wore the same pair all weekend) when Miss Pamela came armed with her personal publicist from PETA, the animal rights group Anderson has actively campaigned for over the last 15 years. (Anderson was PETA’s very first "Lettuce Lady" poster girl, posing in strategically placed lettuce leaves in a hugely successful PETA "Try Vegetarian!" campaign.)

When smiling reporters asked her if Conservative PM Stephen Harper finally met with her to discuss the Canadian seal hunt – which most Canadians across the cold Great White North couldn’t give a shit about since we not only love but need our fur coats and leather pants – Anderson quipped, "Mr. Harper wouldn’t meet with me."

Clearly, Harper is the only red-blooded Canadian man who won’t meet with Pamela Anderson.

Pamela also had fun at her own expense, saying stuff like, when asked to turn left for a snapshot, "Which left? I’m blonde!"

When asked which of her body of work she’s most proud of, Pamela listed off all of her accomplishments, from motherhood to "all that really, really great acting I’ve done."

Anderson is still a Canadian at heart, her Canadian sense of humour intact and all.

My Juno confrères – Hour columnists Jamie O’Meara, Brendan Murphy and Scoop Silverman – nearly bumped into Pam at the CTV private party held in the Economy Shoe Shop nightclub the night before the Junos.

The joint was packed with every D-list bitch in Halifax, not to mention Canadian Idol judges and runners-up, plus politicians like John Reynolds and Belinda Stronach, who herself has one helluva rack. (Later I also saw Stronach’s ex, Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister and Maritimer Peter MacKay, guzzling a beer while chatting up a local with big tits in The Seahorse bar downstairs.)

Political scions Ben Mulroney and Justin Trudeau were also at the CTV party, and are clearly good friends, and I bumped into an old buddy, bestselling Montreal rocker Jonas Tomalty, to whom I explained – in light of Pam’s presence – that I am a boobiesexual.

"It doesn’t matter what you got going on in the fireplace as long as you got a mantelpiece!" Jonas cracked.

The night of the Junos – after reporters were herded into a pitiful Q&A room like a bunch of cattle, not even allowed to go out and check out the show – I cut out early to meet Terry, a 19-year-old twinkie who worked at my hotel gift shop, henceforth dubbed "Gift Shop Terry" by the Hour boys I was sharing a room with.

"Bugs, I’m sure this doesn’t need to be said," Brendan cracked before we left Montreal, "but at lights out, there is a four-dude maximum room occupancy."

So I ducked out of the Junos early, met up with Terry who gave me a royal Nova Scotia welcome in my hotel room, and I returned the favour by giving him the best blowjob of his life.

I then wiped my mouth and met my boys at the boozy EMI party at the Halifax Rain Club, where everyone from legendary Montreal rock promoter Donald K. Donald and Tom Cochrane to Chad Kroeger of Nickelback showed up.

It was an open-bar party packed with boobiesexuals, which I should mention is a term coined by podcaster Cunning Minx (www.polyweekly.libsyn.com): Boobiesexuals are straight women who love a beautiful bosom.

But the term was correctly amended last week by fab Village Voice columnist Rachel Bussel to include gay men.

Which brings me back to Pamela Anderson.

"I think I have a mostly female following," Pam said at her CTV press conference. "I’m a girl’s girl."

Which goes to prove I’m not the only boobiesexual in love with Pamela Anderson’s amazing rack.

ooo

Bugs, Jonas and Jamie at CTV’s Juno party

Essential buttplugs Gay lit events not to miss: Montreal literary great Michel Tremblay does an English public Q&A session at Blue Metropolis on April 8 at the Hyatt. Surf to www.blue-met-bleu.com. Also at Blue Met, Montreal OutGames co-prez Mark Tewksbury launches his new book, Inside Out, on April 6, also at the Hyatt.

Check out the queer multimedia art show Paperwall: Analyzing Images at La Centrale Powerhouse Gallery (4296 St-Laurent), April 7-8. Info: 398-7432. Then go see Concordia’s Bad_aRT show for HIV/AIDS at the VAV Gallery (1395 René-Lévesque W.) until April 15.

Finally, the Black Eagle’s leather/latex Gummi Night has been rescheduled for April 8.

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  2 comments

  • by Rob Polka - April 7, 2006, 10:59 am

    Yes Pamela Anderson is boobilicious. What red blooded male wouldn’t want to stick their head between them and blow. Makes sense that PETA wants someone like that who gets so much attention but unfortunately she isn’t the right person for the job. There are too many things about Pam that go against what PETA stands for. Just because someone is a vegetarian isn’t enough. First off let’s start with the puppies (had to make an animal reference). We all know that Miss Anderson has implants which is fine. They’re beautiful. Unfortunately breast implants are tested on animals, n’est pas? Or does she have a special kind that wasn’t? Second, Pam has Hep C which could dramatically shorten her lifespan. Hopefully for the many afflicted with this disease a cure will be developed soon. Here’s the thing that goes against what PETA stands for. Pam’s held fundraisers for the American Liver Foundation which , big surprise, tests on animals. Wait what does PETA say about animal testing again??? Oh right that it’s wrong. PETA should start a new campaign: We would rather see Pamela Anderson die than support animal testing. So, PETA, maybe you should rethink your criteria on spokespeople. Ideally ones without implants or fatal diseases. Just a thought.

  • by Mark St Pierre - April 11, 2006, 7:00 pm

    Wow, Pamela Anderson, has got to be just about the most maligned presenter in Juno history! What were they thinking?…was it worth the momentary surge in ratings as everyone gravitated to see her…ummm…assets on display before tuning out as she launched into her diatribes!!!…Shameful, inappropriate, and ultimately disrespectful to the host province…

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