Dear Josey,
I am a 21-year-old woman. Some of my earliest sexual experiences, as well as my first orgasms, were as a teenager with other girls. I grew out of that phase and went on to date guys, although I still find women attractive. Sex with my current guy has always felt great but I was never able to orgasm. Then we went to a Halloween party and, as a gag, decided to dress up in identical French maid costumes. He looked great and I found myself turned on all night seeing him dressed that way. When we got home, we attacked each other and I had my first orgasm since being with girls as a teenager. The next time we had sex there were no costumes and no orgasm. So now I’m wondering, if I can only have an orgasm with a guy while he’s dressed as a woman, could I be gay?
Maid To Pleasure
Dear Maid,
As a straight gal who has always had a soft spot for the girly boys of the ’70s glam rock era, I don’t necessarily think finding your guy hot in a dress makes you gay. And no one would feel a homosexual panic for being attracted to a woman because she was wearing a man’s shirt, as Helen Boyd writes in her book My Husband Betty: Love, Sex and Life With a Crossdresser, an absolutely riveting, thoughtful and super smart exploration not just of her life with a husband who likes to dress up like a woman, but of what makes us girls and boys and everything in between. Boyd knows your pain. She has struggled with her situation for years feeling like a freak about it. "I wondered if I was the most deeply repressed lesbian who’d ever lived," she tells me. "But a few experiments later – and I realize I just like boys who look like girls. I couldn’t possibly tell anyone why."
That may not be your case, says Boyd, but if it is, you’re a heterosexual crossdresser’s wet dream.
"There are hundreds of crossdressers who are desperate for a woman who would not only be willing to indulge them, but one who actually enjoyed it herself," says Boyd.
And while it may be true that, given how young you are, you may be gay and giving in to the tremendous pressure so many gay people feel to be straight, it could also be that you are a straight (or bisexual) woman who finds traditionally girly stuff attractive. "As I like to say," says Boyd, "thigh-high black stockings are hot – no matter who’s wearing them, as long as they’ve got the legs for them!"
Sometimes the sexual attraction is about the clothes: "French maid outfits turn a lot of people on – whether they’re wearing one themselves or looking at someone in that gear."
Or maybe, suggests Boyd, it’s not sex with women that only turns you on, but "the idea of breaking the ‘lesbian taboo’ or of feminizing a male. Maybe it’s about feeling more ‘equal’ with your partner in terms of who does the seducing and who gets seduced." Or maybe it’s the role-playing aspect that turns you on. The other possibility is that you are a "transsensual" or a "trans-am" (short for trans-amorous), both terms, Boyd tells me, for the growing number of women who are recognizing a sexual preference for cross-gendered folks. Then again, she says, at 21, there’s no need to rush out and find yourself a label. Sexuality is a journey. I say enjoy and explore. And I strongly suggest you use Boyd’s book as one of your tour guides.
For more info, go to Boyd’s website at www.myhusbandbetty.com.
Dear Josey,
I was with a group of friends the other night and somehow the discussion got around to the expression "popping a girl’s cherry." None of us knew where that expression comes from or what it means exactly. Do you know? Then we started talking about the hymen and trying to figure out whether it had any physiological purpose. Does it?
Questioning The Popping
Dear Questioning,
According to Jane Mills’ Sexwords, the expression "popping the cherry" may have evolved from the fact that in the 16th century, "cherry" was a term of endearment for a woman. This likely came from the French word "chérie," which means beloved (it’s also where we get the word cherish). Later the term "cherry pie" became an affectionate term for an attractive woman. Back in the charmingly sexist 1950s, men interpreted this to mean that women were actually like a sweet cherry, ripe for the picking, and cherry became a euphemism for the hymen and female virginity.
As for the hymen itself, according to my friend and hymen expert Laurel Fowlie, the word comes from the Greek god of weddings, Hymenaios (Latin: Hymenaeus). He was one of the Erote, the ever-youthful winged gods of love, says Fowlie.
"Many people are under the impression that the hymen is located within the vagina," adds Fowlie. But it’s actually part of the vulva, the external genital organs."
Some say the hymen helps keep germs and junk out of the vagina while it is still developing but, other than that, it doesn’t do much but cause grief to those who live with religious or cultural beliefs that a hymen must be intact in order to prove a woman’s virginity (which is ridiculous given that sex is hardly the only way to "pop a cherry," and, according to Fowlie, some girls are even born without a hymen).
"It is difficult to place an adaptive purpose on the hymen," says Fowlie. Evolution takes a bit of a "if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it" approach to things, so even if something no longer serves a purpose, our bodies keep it around, like an appendix, say. Humans aren’t the only ones lugging around this troublesome membrane: Horses, whales, moles, mole-rats, hyenas, lemurs, and perhaps others, all have hymens, says Fowlie. Interestingly, our closest cousins – monkeys and apes – do not.
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10 comments
I enjoyed the explanation for Popping a girl’s cherry. It would be interesting to explain more of these unusual sex expression whenever you have the time, or whenever you find appropriate explanations for them.
As for Maid to Pleasure, I agree with you. There’s no rush to find out what exactly what she is and to label herself. But her boy seems pretty open, to say the least! Maybe she could ask him, once in a while, to indulge her and get dress differently, whether to go out to a big party (hey, this is Mtl, the city where parties of all sorts are pretty easy to find!) or to stay in and explore… Sexuality is a journey indeed!
So called useless organs can cause a lot ot trouble. Around 80 years ago the famous escape artist Harry Houdini died of peritonitis as a direct result of appendicitis. It all started in Montreal when Harry allowed someone to punch him in the stomach just to prove a point. Even in this day and age antibiotics have made appendicitis less dangerous but it is still a life-threatening situation with this infection actually being the most common emergency abdominal condition in children. With a lifetime incidence of 7% it would make more sense to remove it than the foreskin which to many people is another redundant organ but causes far fewer problems.
I still remember as a youngster over 40 years ago when my tonsils were removed because they kept getting infected all the time. The inside of my throat was raw for a few days making it very painful to swallow. I have survived all these years perfectly well without my tonsils. Some children with swollen adenoids in the same area have had them removed too.
Doctors can do a brisk business removing all these useless organs which have caused so much grief throughout human history.
I remember reading the first letter in Sasha’s letters in the Montreal Mirror maybe a month ago. Is this person so unsure of herself she needs a second opinion?
We all try so hard to fit within what we think is “normal” that we forget there are many ways to live life and sexuality. The problem might be to find someone to share our fantasies with. But there are usually people around that can be found. As long as everything is done in a respectful way and that both people enjoy themselves without hurting anybody else, there is no harm. Psychology has tried to make us believe there was a “adapted” way of living sexuality. Some therapists still go by these old beliefs. But I know very few people in my surrounding that live a “standard” sex life. And most of them are healthy, smart people.
the struggles and the fight to always ‘stay between the proper lines’.
in response to both maid to pleasure and questioning the popping, i remain continually amazed how much ignorance seems to exist concerning one of the strongest forces within all of us:
sensuality.
seems as if historical precedence has plenty to say about the birthing of this type of sensual ignorance: the constant acceptance of the churchstate. with the recent passing of pope john paul the second, my thoughts centred on the insidious influence of the churchstate to control an individual’s sensuality, using the threats of eternal damnation for crossing certain ‘holy commandments’. sensuality belongs to anyone willing to truly investigate what arouses them, and what inspires them. labels are meant to give a type of reference, but doesn’t mean less or more.
as long as an individual’s mind becomes inspired to taste and pursue the various levels of sensuality, then labels become pointless and without need for any meaning. individuals inspired by the fruits of their sensuality only require other individuals willing to explore such rich terrains. the problem has nothing at all to do with gender, but has all to do with a personal willingness to step outside of ‘acceptable lines’ and uncover what fruits await them.
for all of the parties and clubs going on in montreal, i have witnessed enough status quo disguised as ‘sexually liberated’. the perfumes and colognes; the fashions and the drinking; all of the ‘latest moves’ on and off the dance floor, but the lack of mojo can be well observed. even the ‘sex talk’ doesn’t go beneath the surface, but remains as cliched and comical as a bad ‘r’ rated skin flick. cut across the ‘safe’ lines, and ask yourself what truly arouses and inspires yourself sensually. and leave the labels for ‘experts’ making their living either selling ‘sexuality’ as a good thing, or condemning ‘sexuality’ as a sinful act against the almighty who sits in judgement.
I was interested in knowing where “popping the cherry” came from too. It is strange how one innoccent little term of endearment can evolve into something sexual.
Boys who look like girls, girls who look like boys…why is it that blurring the gender boundaries can be so attractive, so much more exciting? Really I think that there’s nothing to worry about being attracted to different sexes – that way you have more choice! I wonder though if part of the attraction is linked to the ‘danger’ or naughtiness of crossing those divides? The mind is really the greatest player in sex, and the kinkiness of a man being able to pass as a woman, and vice-versa, is incredibly erotic in its own way. It is a bit of a mind bender with so many underlying ‘issues’ that increase sensual awareness.
Although having my partner dress up as a woman may not do anything for me, I must admit that I find myself quite attracted (facially) to men whose looks are softer – does this mean I’m secretly attracted to women???!!! I don’t think so.
I find it a bit sad that so much of sexuality and sensuality is repressed or considered bad and wrong. I say go out and explore, rediscover your cherry and pop it over and over again.
While this 21 yr. old lass sounds somewhat conflicted by the source of her arousal…that grey area where the distinction between guys and gals is hazy at best, that is to say, androgny, htis particular fetish still holds a pretty strong allure for very many. Glam rock, fey bands where the frontman is only shades away from by being a frontwoman have all contributed to a very pronounced fascintaion with gender-bending and cross-dressing. While I may not totally get this on-going preoccupation, one cannot deny it`s prevelance in pop culture, for whatever that`s worth…
Im one to know who thinks normal or not .. Im a very normal girl who had many different parners.. although this article reminds me of one who was a little different!
I was dating a lawyer in a big firm in montreal who had earned many prizes ( yadi yadayda ) and one night being intimate brings out he big fetish about something DIFFERENT … so being a little spunky I went with it .. he wanted me to come on a painting he had done … which i did … but the moral of the story I think is …. if it feels right … go with it … if it doesnt … talk about it .. :)
Here’s a tricky one for you but not really if you follow one simple truth and just accept it: you like what you like. And obviously, by this I mean what makes you orgasm makes you orgasm. What turns you on and what you get off on are things that you can study and analyze to death but in the end it’s something best taken on faith. Girls do it for you? Guys dressed as girls do it for you? Who are we to judge? I’m sorry but some people have sexual needs that make this letter seem bland as problems go.